U.S. Unlocks Terrorist’s iPhone, Drops It In Toilet; Warranty Is Expired

(WASHINGTON, DC) The Justice Department announced on Monday it had successfully unlocked the iPhone owned by one of the San Bernardino gunmen, rendering moot its case against Apple, Inc., in which it sought to compel the corporation to provide technology to unlock the phone.  It was further announced that the phone in question had been subsequently dropped in a Justice Department men’s room toilet, potentially damaging the phone beyond use and rendering any potential evidence inaccessible.

“Upon unlocking the phone owned by Mr. Farook” – the late terrorist – “an FBI agent examining the phone proceeded to the men’s room on the 3rd floor northwest at HQ,” Justice Department spokeswoman Melanie Newman told the press. “The agent had planned on perusing the phone while evacuating his bowels. Upon completion, the phone slipped through the agent’s hands and into the commode. It was retrieved and later deemed inactive due to water damage.”

This latest development has forced the U.S. government into a new round of legal battles with Apple, which had resisted efforts to provide technology to unlock the phone, for privacy reasons. “We are now asking that Apple assist the Justice Department in repairing the phone,” Newman explained. “We feel that it is in the interest of the American people that this phone be fixed, now that it has been unlocked.”

Apple responded with a statement that the phone was no longer under warranty, and that Farook did not purchase insurance when he bought the phone. “The U.S. may purchase a new iPhone, and we strongly encourage it to opt for damage insurance in the event of an accident such as this.”

As of press time, the Justice Department was exploring its options with a local repair shop, uBreakiFix, in the Washington, DC area.

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