1790: Before a joint session of Congress, George Washington delivers the nation’s first State of the Union address, remarking on how bright the future looks for Americans that are white, male, adult, land owners, and presently earning a government paycheck.
1801-1913: The oral address to Congress is discontinued. Instead, the State of the Union report, like so many presidential tasks, is mailed in.
1922: Following his speech, Warren Harding tells congressmen to look under their seats for complimentary bottles of “medicinal tonic.”
1937: Even Franklin Roosevelt has to admit this time around, state of union is pretty shitty.
1942: Roosevelt assures Americans that the best way to improve the state of the union is to “lay waste to the states of a few unions overseas.”
1957: With Dwight Eisenhower under the weather, the speech is delivered by General Motors CEO Harlow Curtice.
1963: John Kennedy declares state of union strong, except for the couple of weeks it was brought to the precipice of utter annihilation a few months back.
1969-1974: With all of Congress in one room and Washington distracted by Richard Nixon, these few hours in January were probably a great time to break into an office or two.
1983: Ronald Reagan announces the release of all Grenadine-Americans from internment camps.
1998: Bill Clinton’s quip that “the state of MY union could use some work, if you get my drift” is met with crickets.
2006: George W. Bush assures Americans of ten years’ peace with Poseidon in exchange for having sacrificed New Orleans to the angry sea.
2016: Barack Obama announces his upcoming bookings for February, including The Wendy Williams Show, The Dan Patrick Show, and The Chew.