Self-Loathing Senate Candidate Against Abortion Except In Case of His Parents 47 Years Ago

(MINOT, ND) Self-loathing Republican Senate candidate Eric Chapman announced yesterday that he is against abortion under all circumstances, “except in the case of Martin and Rosalie Chapman in 1968.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, hear this: If elected, I will work tirelessly as your senator until Roe vs. Wade is finally overturned and the terrible American genocide is finally halted,” Chapman told supporters at a campaign rally in Minot. “That means no exceptions – not when a woman’s life is at risk, not for rape, not for defects.” The crowd cheered as he repeated, “No exceptions.”

Chapman then added, “Unless you happen to be my parents, 47 years ago this past summer. Then you can go ahead and end it. Just go ahead. Because whatever you started, it’s clearly not going anywhere, and I’m wasting everybody’s time.”

Asked about this rare exception after his speech, Chapman elaborated that “we have to have compassion for tragic circumstances. Martin and Rosalie Chapman simply did not know what a disappointment their son would be. So, if we can build a time machine and send an abortion doctor back to 1968 and legally perform an abortion, that I would understand.”

The self-hating Chapman also stated that he is against euthanasia except in the case of “anyone unlucky enough to have to sit through one of my speeches, or spend more than five minutes in my company.”

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