(FAIRFAX, Va.) National Rifle Association president Wayne LaPierre conceded today that the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, while preserving the right of citizens to “keep and bear arms,” would probably not stave off a mad attack on the populace by a tyrannical, destructive U.S. government.
“One of the rationales of the Second Amendment, we believe, is that it serves as a prophylactic against an armed, oppressive regime, should one ever come to power,” LaPierre told NRA members in a banquet hall at its Fairfax headquarters. “But let’s be real. All the firearms in the world aren’t going to slow down the Army or this country’s nuclear arsenal. One launch and a whole quadrant of the country is toast.”
LaPierre went on to say that although the U.S. has millions of guns and proud gun-owners ready to fight to the death for freedom, “the fact is that a few Uzis – let alone a Winchester – are, to the U.S. military, like squirt guns. The bullets might tickle the oncoming tanks as they crush everything in their paths. A few surgical strikes from this country’s peerless bombers would wipe out a local NRA chapter in a heartbeat. It’s sobering to think about.”
LaPierre paused for a good twenty seconds before the silent room, exhaled, and added, “Even with all of our well-armed militias, joined together, the fact is that against a raging, belligerent Commander-in-Chief or general, we’d probably last about two weeks.”
The mostly silent room, save for a few coughs, stared back at LaPierre as he contemplated the notion that technology had long ago surpassed that of the muskets and bayonets used for 18th century warfare. “How on earth did our founding fathers overlook this possibility?” LaPierre mumbled to himself, before closing his speech with a vow never to back down to aggression, “no matter how devastating, how infernal, how utterly complete the wreckage may be.” A smattering of applause followed.
In a related statement, General Martin Dempsey, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, acknowledged the U.S. military’s “unrivaled” firepower, but added, “it would be pretty pointless for our government to just go and nuke or kill everybody. Who would be left to be governed? Who would produce for the economy? Whom would we tax? If we just dropped a bomb, then there’d just be a government and nobody else, not even to oppress. It doesn’t make sense.”