Washington DC Lands 2016 Democratic Convention

(WASHINGTON, DC) Look out, District of Columbia: The Democrats are coming to your town.

Edging out competing bids from New York, Philadelphia, and Columbus, the midsized city of Washington, DC has landed the 2016 Democratic National Convention in a stunning upset.

“We’re just beside ourselves,” Mayor Muriel Bowser told reporters shortly after the announcement. “At long last, the eyes of the nation will be on us. For one week in July, the center of the political universe will be here in the District of Columbia.”

The often-overlooked burg of 650,000 sits astride the Potomac River, often finding itself in the shadows of such heavyweights as Baltimore and Philadelphia. Much of its workforce commutes from nearby Virginia or Maryland. And even among city residents, there’s always been an insular, “us-versus-them” feeling.

“Washingtonians are hard workers and proud people,” Vice President Joe Biden remarked. “From the men who sweep the Capitol steps to the security guards at the Postal Museum, there’s a certain blue collar work ethic found here that you don’t see much in America today. It makes sense for the Democratic Party to improve its inroads with these salt of the earth voters, and what better way than with its great political showcase?

“It’s going to be a special time to be in DC.”

Debbie Wasserman Schultz, the Democratic Party Chairwoman, admitted it was a tight race between bidding cities. “New York is New York. Of course Philly is the birthplace of freedom. And Columbus – Ohio is a major swing state. We considered all bids seriously.”

But, she noted, Washington was the most “convention-ready” of the cities. “It’s got hotels galore, major convention centers, party venues that are perfect and modern, and two major airports. We just couldn’t be happier with the infrastructure. It’s like Washington was built for this kind of thing.”

Other factors Wasserman Schultz mentioned were Washington’s large taxi and limousine fleets, clean and abundant public restrooms, and high number of prostitutes per capita.

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