(WASHINGTON) In an 8-1 decision, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled today that persons who hang around outside the esteemed courthouse waiting on important decisions really need to get lives.
“The burden on the individual is clear,” wrote Chief Justice John Roberts. “He is in need of a life with a job or at least time-consuming hobbies, in lieu of sitting around the steps of this building waiting for us to hand down decisions like Moses with tablets.”
“Seriously,” he added, “who are these people? Are they bused in? Can’t they just have CNN on in the background at home, so they can at least iron shirts or do some vacuuming? Just waiting around on us seems like a colossal waste of time. Sometimes, we don’t even make decisions, we just hand the case back to a lower court. That’s gotta feel pretty disappointing for some jackass who spent 14 hours a day for a week basically loitering.”
The lone dissenting justice was Anthony Kennedy, who wrote that he could “kind of understand it. It’s a thrilling moment. Especially since people who follow these cases are always wondering how I’m going to vote. Will I improve somebody’s life or ruin it? That’s as compelling as any daytime soap.”
Kennedy added that he found it “ironic, that I’m usually the swing vote guy and here I am alone in the minority.”
As a result of the ruling, the courthouse steps will be cordoned with a 12-foot-high fence, to keep onlookers on the sidewalk. “They can go down to the White House and watch the president for a while,” wrote Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. “Or better yet, get a job.”