(MIAMI) Fresh off his second consecutive NBA championship with the Miami Heat, guard/forward LeBron James announced today he has signed with the NFL’s Dallas Cowboys. The move was made by James in an effort to further get under your skin as a fan of all that is good and right with sports.
James, who was regular season and Finals MVP in the NBA, will play tight end for Dallas. Team owner Jerry Jones, a man you hate as much as James, remarked that current starting tight end Jason Witten will be released to make room James. You actually kind of liked Witten, for a Cowboy. Once the NFL season concludes with a probably Dallas Super Bowl win, James will return to Miami, since, as he says, “[the Heat] can coast through February and then we can just flip the switch in the Spring and coast to a threepeat.”
At a press conference, James told reporters he “cannot wait to score touchdowns in a Dallas uniform, so that I can royally piss off NFL fans the same way I aggravate NBA fans.” He added that he hopes to play at least through 2016, when Dallas will most likely play at lowly Cleveland. “That’ll be sweet,” James said, knowing full well that even as a casual fan this will ruin your weekend when it happens.
In spite of the quick announcement, James will appear in a perfunctory half-hour special to announce the decision formally. The special will be hosted by Skip Bayless of ESPN, or as you like to call him, “Skip Brainless.”
As a Dallas Cowboy, James says he plans to wear #81, “as an homage to Terrell Owens.”