(PRINCETON, NJ) A Princeton University study released last week ranks Minnesota last in the nation.
The study, which compiled years of data on everything from crime to sexual satisfaction, irrefutably places Minnesota 52nd in the nation. The study included the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico.
“Whichever way you slice it, the Gopher State is bottom of the barrel,” head researcher Kim Mastenbrook explained to reporters. “We looked at everything: Highway safety, weather patterns, federal grant money, education, environmental policy, entertainment options. In category after category, Minnesota has proven itself to be the least desirable place in which to live, visit, or even await your connecting flight.”
Mastenbrook added, “We even studied personal grooming. As in every other measure of quality, Minnesotans are woefully behind the next-worst state, which is Arkansas.”
The study also concluded that Minnesota, in spite of its quixotic attempts to keep improving, should probably just call it quits.
“No other state offers such pathetic examples of foolhardiness and obliviousness in the face of its own failure. For example, Minnesota has produced some of the most disastrous candidates for president. Eugene McCarthy, Hubert Humphrey, Walter Mondale, Michelle Bachmann. Still, Minnesotans honestly believed these people would not receive an electoral ass-kicking once they ventured outside the state. The state has also inexplicably elected a pro wrestler its governor, and a ‘funnyman’ its senator. Clearly, there is some self-delusion in Minnesota.”
She added, “This also extends into the world of athletics. The Vikings are, empirically, one of the most depressing franchises in all of professional sports. Yet the state is building the team a new stadium as we speak. And then there’s the [University of Minnesota] Gophers – barely a Division One program.”
“Besides,” she continued, “Have you ever been to Minnesota? The weather is fucking awful. Freezing cold and dreary, except for one week in July when it’s stifling hot.”
The dead-last ranking has many Minnesotans up in arms. Governor Mark Dayton vowed to challenge the study, and told his constituents that they should boycott Princeton University in protest. “We’re being told we suck by people from New Jersey?” he asked rhetorically.
Princeton admissions officials were quick to point out that the boycott would have no effect on its pool of eligible applicants.