Art Modell’s Soul Moved From Baltimore To Afterlife

(BALTIMORE) The soul of Art Modell, minority owner of the Baltimore Ravens, was surreptitiously moved from this earthly realm to the afterlife some time last week, according to sources.

Modell’s soul, which had inhabited his body for 87 years, had in recent years threatened to move if a new host body could not be found, citing deteriorating conditions which made Modell less competitive than his peers as of late.

“The city of Baltimore regrets that a deal could not be worked out allowing Mr. Modell’s soul to stay,” Baltimore mayor Stephanie Rawlings-Blake said in a statement. “We wish it the best in its new environment.”

In related news, Buffalo Bills owner Ralph Wilson’s soul has demanded renovations to its 93-year-old body, stating that it too may have to move to the afterlife, Toronto, or possibly London.

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