Romney Vows To Show Americans How To Pay Almost No Taxes If Elected

(BOSTON) Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney made a campaign pledge on Monday that, if elected, he will show Americans how they too can pay no more than 14% of their income toward federal taxes.

“I’ll make it my first national address,” Romney told a gathering inside his campaign office in Boston. “If you make me your next president, I promise, you will never pay a dime over fourteen percent.”

Romney, who as a millionaire has been attacked for paying such a low rate, stated that he believed it was “every American’s right” to pay as little money to the IRS as the law allows.

“Nobody likes paying taxes,” Romney said. “I’m just better at reducing my burden and getting away with it than most people.”

He went on to hint at some of the “tax-busting secrets” he might reveal if he’s sworn in on January 20, 2013.

“Here’s a tidbit. Just to give you an idea. In 2011, I deducted a spaceship. That’s right. A $500 million fucking spaceship. Do you think I own a spaceship? As long as I’m able to prove that the ship will be used for government research, it’s tax-deductible. So I just claimed that I’ve started building one out in a desert in Nevada.”

Romney went on, “You can also claim that you wear eyeglasses and deduct those costs, even if you’ve never worn a pair of glasses in your life. That’s another thing a lot of Americans might not know. And I deduct all my home expenses as my ‘office.’ That’s another classic.”

“The IRS, they’ll take whatever they can from you,” Romney concluded. “They’re vultures, and they’ll pick at everything so long as you let them. But they’re also fucking idiots. I could tell them my presidential campaign expenses are tax deductible as a public service, and they’d probably buy it.”

Romney paused for a moment and said, “Hey, that’s not a bad idea.”

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