Stocks Slide As Economy Just Feeling Kinda Blah

(NEW YORK) Stocks around the world slid again on Thursday as domestic and international markets continued having a kind of blah feeling, unsure of how to shake it.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average reported its biggest dip since mid-May, as trading reflected a general “whatever” attitude, coupled with a worldwide feeling of just kind of not feeling it, you know?

“I don’t know if we’re just feeling lazy or tired, or maybe we all need a vacation,” said financial analyst John Fox. “The economy is just sort of in a rut, and we’re all not sure if we should be doing this.”

He added, “I think we all just need a day at the spa.”

“Please understand, we’re not depressed or anything serious like that,” Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke told reporters. “We’re just all searching and wondering if this is for us. Maybe moving money around in a global capitalist economy is starting to get old, I don’t know. I just know that I’m kind of over it, and so is everybody. I’ve been meaning to join an improv group or take a road trip, and it’s just kind of like, with all that’s going on, I don’t know, we can’t really break out of this funk if we keep doing the same old things. You know?”

Bernanke then let out a long sigh and said, “Blah.”

President Obama chimed later in the day, reiterating Bernanke’s tone. “I know that the American people are just not in the mood,” Obama told reporters from the Rose Garden. “We’re all kind of chasing our tails and thinking maybe we should go backpacking in Alaska for two weeks, or join the Peace Corps. I myself have thought about chucking this job and going to massage school. Or learning Italian. We’ve just got to get past it, whatever it is. We need to shake things up.”

GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney, however, was less understanding of the current economic doldrums. “Look, we need to get out of bed and get dressed,” he said. “Snap out of it. Take a shower. The world’s not going to wait for us. Let’s get out there, goddamit. You think people in the Depression felt ‘blah’? I promise you, if elected president, I will shake this economy out of its current malaise, or prescribe it whatever upper or stimulant it requires to start producing again. Because it’s starting to embarrass me when I meet with business people from China or India.

“You don’t see them napping on the couch at 2 in the afternoon,” Romney summarized.


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