Tiny Pissant Island Kingdom That Once Ruled Globe Giddy About Hosting Sports Thing

(LONDON) The United Kingdom, a tiny, inconsequential shell of a once-mighty empire that had ruled nearly one quarter of the Earth’s land area, is extremely excited to host the 2012 Summer Olympics, it was reported in London last week.

The XXX Olympiad, to be held in London later this summer, will feature numerous fun competitions involving running, jumping, swimming, punching, lifting very heavy weights, shooting balls into nets, hitting balls over nets, kicking balls into nets, shooting arrows, wrestling, jumping into water, bicycle riding, and golf. The competitors will be from all over the world, it was reported, including many from the various nations that were once dominated by the erstwhile empire at the peak of its power.

Winners of the events will be awarded medals: Gold for first place, silver for second, and bronze for third, much like the victorious Britons of days gone by, who conquered many a foreign land and returned home with pilfered riches of an incalculable value.

Territories of the British Empire, consigned to history’s ash heap. People from many of these once-subordinate lands will run, swim, and throw balls and sticks in the air at the London games.

“We are greatly looking forward to hosting the Summer Games,” Londoner Owen Slater told reporters last week. “And I’m sure Her Majesty will be proud of the job we as a nation and kingdom do,” he remarked about Queen Elizabeth II, an actual, living monarch whose predecessors were sovereigns over not only Britain but numerous countries in Africa, Asia, the Americas, and Oceania, before receding into utter ignominy as one vassal state after another evicted the territorial colossus from its mastery.

“With these games, we hope to boost Britain’s economy by over 13 billion pounds,” predicted former British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, certainly unaware that the long-forgotten empire once boasted a GDP of over $9 trillion pounds ($14 trillion US dollars) in today’s money.

This will be the third time this emasculated, backwater pimple on the Earth will have hosted the Olympics. The former Goliath on which the sun was said to have never set, until it did, previously hosted the games in 1908 – when it was still capable of wantonly carving up the globe – and 1948, as it entered its rapid, irreversible decline.

Future Olympic sites include the 2014 winter games in Sochi, Russia, another once-dominant empire now reduced to a cold, unforgiving wasteland of unemployed, vodka-soaked criminals; and Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, a South American jungle nation of machine gun-wielding sexual miscreants who are believed to wear thong bikini bottoms and fruited hats.

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