Miss USA Contestant Maintains Rigging Accusation As Holy Shit Why The Fuck Is This News?

Sheena Monnin, the former Miss Pennsylvania who resigned her post in protest of what she perceives as a rigged competition, says she refuses to back away from her accusations in holy fucking shit I can’t believe this is actually considered legitimate news.

Monnin, who has been threatened with a lawsuit by pageant president Donald Trump, appeared on “The Today Show” Friday morning and Jesus fucking Christ is this why I spent four years studying print journalism at Syracuse? So I could write about a beauty queen looking for social justice in the pageant world? Shoot me now, seriously.

“I feel disappointed that [Trump] has made some of the statements that he said about me, and I feel prepared to continue to pursue the truth,” Monnin told co-host Ann Curry on “Today.” No doubt Curry feels like a real goddamn Woodward & Bernstein right now, getting to the bottom of such an scandalous breach of trust between the American public and the Miss Fucking Universe Organization. “I know what I heard, and I know what I in turn witnessed come true based on what I heard the contestant said she saw the list, so I’m prepared to continue to march forward,” stated Monnin, the modern Erin Brockovich whose talents include prancing around in a bathing suit and smiling and who had hoped to wear a shiny, sparkly tiara had she won this meaningless event that I am supposed to cover as “news.”

The contestant who reportedly told her about the pageant-rigging, Miss Florida Karina Brez, has a different take on the situation. Oooh, oooh, let’s all hear the other little princess’ take on the situation! I’m so glad I was trained to check out both sides of the story! God forbid anyone reading this Pulitzer-worthy masterpiece feel they’ve been shortchanged by poor journalistic practices.

“I want to make a statement, very firm and very clearly, that I did not at any time tell Miss Pennsylvania USA or other Miss USA contestants that I knew the final five contestants in the pageant,” she says in a statement. Wow, the plot thickens. “For reasons I don’t understand,” she continued, unaware that what she doesn’t understand could probably fill a museum, “my name is now being brought forward as the person who released the names and implied that the final five contestants were preselected. This is absolutely not true.” It’s also absolutely not true that anyone with a life gives two flying fucks about whether someone named “Miss Florida” ever did anything at all.

She admits that backstage she did see “a piece of paper with names on it, and like most people in such frenetic circumstances, joked that they must be the names of the final contestants. It was a throwaway comment, in the stress of the pageant, and was never meant as a fact. The list I saw didn’t even have the eventual winner on it.” Wow, a denial, and a mysterious piece of paper that could be a smoking gun! Are you still with us, readers? I hope you are, because the wheel is turning. It’s turning on my reporting career, because I used to be a fucking White House correspondent, and now I’m repeating quotes from shrill bimbos fighting over something that probably never happened. It’s no wonder my wife took the kids and left me three years ago. Shit, I want to leave me.

Donald Trump, Miss Universe co-owner, said he planned to sue Monnin over her accusations. Oh, goodie, the jackass billionaire with a pile of red lint on his head is involved too? Say no more! If there’s one thing that makes me prouder than breaking the news of a pageant scandal, it’s getting soundbites from the one motherfucker who never knows when to shut up. Will he make pageant reform part of his 2016 presidential campaign?

“She said some really strong things,” Trump told reporters. “When she’s using the word ‘fraud,’ that’s pretty strong, so we’re going to be suing her on that basis,” Trump dismissed her words as “loser’s remorse,” a phrase that can adequately describe the feeling the writer of this article has every goddamn morning when he wakes up and remembers he is still living a sad, pathetic life and working a job that’s barely a step up from junior segment researcher at the Wendy Williams Show. That is if the Wendy Williams Show would even have a has-been, alcoholic hack whose professional peak came when he reported that a vice president once misspelled the word ‘potato.’

Pageant organizers, however, claim that Monnin sent them an email allegedly stating that she took issue with the organization’s decision to allow transgender contestants to compete. Wow, an actual case of discrimination in this shit story? Talk about burying the lead. Well, too late now, I have a deadline to meet before I masturbate furiously and then spend twenty minutes staring at a loaded revolver before I send myself to yet another Wild Turkey-induced sleep.

“As previously stated, Sheena Monnin resigned because of a policy change related to transgendered contestants, only to change her story by publicly making false accusations claiming the pageant was fixed,” the Miss Universe Organization, repeat the Miss Fucking Universe Organization, not NASA or the White House or the ACLU or even Vladimir Putin, said. “Further, the contestant she cites as the source of her information adamantly denies these claims. It certainly appears Ms. Monnin is doing whatever she can to take the spotlight away from the rightful winner.”

And I’m doing whatever I can to forget my miserable, hopeless life spent regurgitating bullshit like this.

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2 thoughts on “Miss USA Contestant Maintains Rigging Accusation As Holy Shit Why The Fuck Is This News?

  1. Hilarious. GREAT writing. And quote “Will he make pageant reform part of his 2016 presidential campaign?”
    Very funny.

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