European Central Bank Announces Exciting New “Cash Back” Promotion

(Frankfurt, Germany) In an effort to stem the tide of rising debt and potential insolvency among its member nations, the European Central Bank announced late Friday a new “Cash Back” promotion meant to stimulate growth and spending.

“With our new ECB Checking Plus Gold Cards, all member nations will receive a certain percentage of cash back on purchases such as gasoline, electronics, and travel,” ECB President Mario Draghi told reporters at the press conference.

“For instance,” continued Draghi, “Say you’re Greece, and you want to purchase the rights to mineral deposits in another country. Use your new ECB card, and you’ll get three percent cash back, immediately on purchase.”

Draghi added that the money may be spent as cash, or used as “Euro-Bucks” in the ECB’s online store, featuring goods and services at discounted rates from many of its business partners. “If you have $100 cash back, that translates to 400 Euro-Bucks, special reward points that get you more bang for your buck,” Draghi said. “These include Kindle downloads, bids on infrastructure construction, concert tickets, social program spending, flight upgrades, and military upkeep.”

“What’s more, the card has no annual fee, and a zero percent APR on balance transfers for six months.”

Draghi also announced that each member state that signs up for the card during the month of June will receive a free toaster or sport bottle.


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