GCG to Scale Back Print Edition to 0 Days Per Week

37 FOREIGN BUREAUS TO CLOSE; 25,000 LAYOFFS EXPECTED

PRESSES LITERALLY STOPPED THIS TIME

(New York) Great Caesar’s Ghost, Inc. will be scaling back its print edition, from seven days per week to zero, it was announced Friday afternoon. GCG broke the story in its Twitter feed at 2:56 p.m. ET, in the tweet after the one complaining about how everyone at McDonald’s always seems to be standing around, and that there should be one queue for ordering instead of several.

The shift, which is reflective of the continued decline of print news sources, is expected to eliminate 25,000 jobs, although that figure remained up in the air, as some jobs will be shifted to the online edition.

GCG President Mort Ketelboeter told reporters that the paper will be “moving forward into the modern world of new media,” adding that the high costs of paper, ink, delivery, reporting, editing, accuracy, and relevance were simply unsustainable for a modern news site.

Great Caesar’s Ghost has a long, proud history of bringing its news to the people of America,” Ketelboeter remarked. “Since Day One, when the paper reported [in May, 1898] actually seeing Caesar’s Ghost in a Chinatown alleyway, no story has been too big, too small, or too implausible for us to report. Now we will be continuing that tradition with our online and mobile news sites, our Twitter and Facebook feeds, probably Foursquare, and maybe Badoo or one of those new-ish social networks. We hope our readers will continue to join us, for the low cost of $12.95 per 30 stories, or 20 stories plus 10 retail coupon clippings.”

In spite of the layoffs, some writers are expected to transition to blogging, tweeting, or ad copy writing, Ketelboeter said, adding that a new pay structure based on site traffic will be introduced.

“We intend to stay competitive, and that means restructuring salaries, tying flexible spending accounts with the number of Twitter followers, and a maternity leave program that will allow all new mothers to reapply for their jobs within six months.”

Ketelboeter added, “We also hope to make a play for a big name, maybe Maureen Dowd or George Will.” Neither could be reached for comment.

GCG will also close 37 foreign bureaus, including its Maldive Islands offices, which in 1986 famously broke the story of nubile, topless native women bathing together on remote beaches and the problems they may cause tourists. That closing alone will cost 427 people their jobs.

This will be GCG’s biggest job elimination since 1917, when its security staff lined up and shot 2,500 striking newsboys, under authority of the Espionage Act.

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